No, this is not my 2016 resolution. I gave up the burden of having a resolution, it’s too heavy and I am too lazy. This is a story; one about little steps plus one important jump that I made.
Last year, I went on a long trip in search of (what I thought to be) solitude. I found out that instead of solitude, I was just looking for a way to be myself again in as many ways as possible. Before you mock me when you heard my reason in leaving what’s left behind – yes, I was broken hearted and no, I was not looking for a replacement – please remember that love makes us do crazy things. When the love is gone, it gets a bit crazier.
Decision costs something. It costed me one and a half month of feeling awful, drowning in way too many question marks. Too many tears. Too many screams. Too many broken dreams. Too many reversed steps. Too many apologies. Too many regrets and self-blaming. But thank God for tons of prayers. In seven months, almost all $$$ and credits I had went to plane tickets.
I am grateful for all of it, because with none of those I’d never be at where I am now. Like I said earlier, this is a story about my little steps.
The island life has always been one of my dream. I’d like to have one beautiful beach front Bed & Breakfast when I grow old. Hosting traveler from all over the world and listen to their stories. Cook for my guests and bake for everyone else.
So, when I visited Gili Meno in May 2015 and stayed there for ten days, I realized I have never felt more calm. I felt at ease and I really like it. People were minding their own business yet still gave enough attention to one another. I even received a job offer. I knew by then, I needed to move out from Bandung as soon as possible. Where to? Anywhere. Preferably somewhere with beaches and laid back peeps.
That trip was just the right moment to say, “I left with tons of weight on my shoulder and got back with one too many dreams.”
After that initial trip, I continued to travel back and forth between Bandung, Kuala Lumpur, and Bali. I resigned from the office. I said no to every relationship proposals. I hung out in small circle. I said what’s on my mind but never about how I feel. I listened. I was learning to understand about what has happened. I found new interests and new friends. The most important thing is, I learned to love myself before I love other. I am still working on it. But, don’t worry, we’ll all get there.
When I am home, the more I felt like I don’t belong. I want another in, another chance. Even a little traffic jam in the city helped me to get to the decision of moving out. My Dad was the first to know about my plan, his (natural) reaction was, “Yeah, that sounds like a very good idea, just go. Who knows of what might’ve happened.” And after 5 months of the conversation we had, he was the one who asked, “Why are you still here? Didn’t you say you were about to leave?”
He kicked me out of the house, indirectly. Thanks Dad.
Long story short, the choice was between Bali or Lombok. Job applications and offers were coming in and out. One interview after another. By the time I am writing this, I am still jobless and my bank account is not doing any better. I am back to the writing business and e-marketing stuff because it’s what people know me for. Friends got me gigs for freelance writing, and it is enough for now. I need more gigs, more activities.
After my last trip to Bali in December 2015, I packed my suitcases and a backpack. Booked one way ticket to a fresh start, sang farewell to my hometown and flew straight to Denpasar, Bali. I was moving on from 2015 to 2016. I finally feel good about my life again. This is nice.
Sitting on that window seat, January 6th 2016, I got really nervous. The same feeling I got when I left for the Netherlands in 2005 and similar to the one when I cried after my second bottle of wine on the flight back home for good from Kuala Lumpur in 2011. That butterflies in your stomach. I am heading onto something better, I know it.
And I hope y’all do too.